7 Insights for Dealing with Grief
Grief is a painful, unavoidable part of the human experience. We’ve all dealt with it in the aftermath of loss, be it a person or relationship, circumstance, health or identity. Grief touches every aspect of our being: the mind, physical body and deepest recesses of our heart. When we’re in the throes of it, it can be agonizing, and, at times, it may feel insurmountable. A seeming permeant layer of fog, with no promise of sun. We might find ourselves asking: Will it ever go away? Will I ever be the same again? Often, the truthful answer to these questions is no. The reality is we bear the impact of certain losses our entire lives, forever changed. At first this realization may feel frightening. And yet the sooner we reckon with the fact that grief isn’t some to rid ourselves of, we can begin to open ourselves to it fully and allow it to do the difficult, yet beautiful, work of deepening our soul.
1. Giving Space for Grief
Finding a safe space to be with grief is imperative for, one day, being okay again. If we don’t let ourselves initially weep, grief can become lodged deep in the fibers of our being. It may also get stuck in later stages if, weary of sadness, we treat it like an unwanted guest, not allowing it to come and go as it pleases. Repressed grief exhausts the heart. In later stages, it may even lead to physical illness. The way through is allowance, which is far from easy. In many ways, we live in a grief-phobic society. Our tears might make some people uncomfortable. Others may be quick to point out silver linings while our heart is imploding. Though positivity and fortitude have a role in the grieving process, our soul must first be allowed to fall apart. To give way, to be vulnerable, takes tremendous strength. Yet the more we open ourselves to grief and its rainbow of intensities, the more transformative it can become.
2. Feeling Beneath the Anger
Loss often stirs up fury. Why me? Why am I asked to deal with the unthinkable? Amidst our sadness, we may rage at the injustice of our circumstances, and even sometimes at those around us. Grappling with anger is painful. We don’t want to be bitter. And we certainly don’t wish the kind of loss we’re experiencing on someone else. And yet the fact that our world has crumbled while others’ remains intact is naturally enraging. The reality is, loss is deeply unfair. No human is immune to the resentments of injustice. What is within our control is learning how to cope. Anger is a secondary emotion. It’s our protector. Beneath every ripple of anger lies the vulnerabilities of fear, sadness, hurt or shame. When we don’t have the bandwidth or safety to process these emotions, anger pops up like a bodyguard for the heart. Skillfully coping with anger involves feeling through and tending to the emotions beneath it. When it arises, it can be helpful to take a deep breath, pause and, when we’re ready, look beneath the ripples. Why am I feeling threatened? What part of me is hurting? Anger never arises without need. Whether it be processing feelings with a loved one or professional, taking righteous action or crying our eyes out, our heart becomes a softer space when we learn to identify and meet our emotional needs.
3. Bumbling Forward
Grief is taxing. Like a bad flu, every cell swells and aches. Tending to grief takes time, usually more than life as we know it allows. A dear friend who unexpectedly lost her father insightfully pointed out what so often goes unacknowledged: “Grief is a full-time job.” Managing grief in the day to day is grueling. It may even feel threatening when real life obligations – familial, financial, occupational – are on the line. In these moments we’re asked to do the best we can with the best we’ve got. We can’t change the fact we’ve lost, but our daily choices shape how we move forward. It can easily become overwhelming to look too far ahead, so we must take life one day, one step at a time. Many losses never get easy, but overtime our being can become more at ease. As we find ourselves further along in the grieving process, we start to notice even the most intense moments don’t last forever. The waves, big and small, may never stop but we become more adept at allowing them to course through us. As we calibrate to this new reality, we must determine which moments we need to be gentle with ourselves and rest, and which ones we are best served stepping outside ourselves and back into the world.
4. Healing Through Connection
At times, we may feel doubtful of our ability to withstand grief’s currents. When we start to feel unsteady, we can remind ourselves that for generations, people have waded this very river. Dreams shattered, lives lost, love departed, species erased. Nobody on this planet is immune from grief. Though all people experience loss, we’ll learn, for various reasons, not everyone is capable of holding space for our grief. It might surprise us who is and who isn’t. It’s okay to be discerning, choosing to share our grief with those who give fortitude to our weary heart. When met with compassion, loss binds our connection to those around us. In this way, grief can be as alchemizing as it is excruciating. At first, the tenderness in which it renders our heart may feel so vulnerable, so raw, it might not feel like any good could possibly come from the process. And yet anyone who has intimately known sorrow and been touched by words or an act of kindness, knows the potency of love to a heart stripped open. We are so acutely aware that this is all that matters. In this way, grief deftly parts the seas of all that is superficial and separate. Intermingled with our grieving pains are often some of the most profound experiences of love and human connection we will ever experience.
5. Knowing Where Grief is Love Resided
Though we don’t typically think of love as something painful, grief is the most tender branch; the imprint of love itself. If we experience grief, it means we’ve loved someone or something deeply. As we soldier through the various emotions of loss – sorrow, rage, numbness – this realization can seed a new dimension of the grieving process: gratitude. How beautiful it is that we’ve experienced love, so deeply, in this lifetime? While gratitude doesn’t take away the deep physical and emotional labor of grieving, it can serve as the balm for a healing heart as grief does its necessary work of carving and deepening. When grief threatens to suffocate, gratitude gives oxygen. It is a sacred reminder that our heart is capable of feeling light again.
6. Honoring Loss with Rituals
Rituals serve as the stabilizing glue that hold us together during the more turbulent times in our lives. Grief rituals honor what we’ve lost, dedicate space for emotional processing and foster gratitude for what we’ve had. Rituals can take many forms, including ceremonies, celebrations of life, funerals, altars, scholarships, artwork, meals, sacred time and communal gatherings. I once stayed at an Airbnb of a woman who I learned, throughout her life, lost her children, first home, partner and several dear friends. She honors their lives by decorating her vibrant garden with chimes and gongs, each striking a different note for a departed. I can still see her, eyes closed, head tilted heavenward, as she listened to the wind enliven the spirits of those now carried in her heart. A fierce heart is one that trusts in its innate capacity to hold it all.
7. Daring to Love Again
American writer and conservationist Terry Tempest Willams tells us “Grief dares us to love once more.” Through all stages of our life, we’re asked to let go. Our life’s work is integrating this reality. There is no greater act of courage than to choose to love again after loss. And perhaps, nothing is more healing.
